So it's almost been a month since I've updated my blog. In all honesty, I have no idea if anyone actually reads this but I like to think that some people do. Otherwise I just dream that someday my work will be significant enough that people will want to read what I have to say. That's vanity, I'm not going to lie. But hey, I enjoy reading other more prominent actors' blogs, it's fascinating and gives an insight into their process. I'm hoping I'm doing that as well... if it even makes any sense.
Let's just say that time flies. I have about six weeks left of this semester at Barnard and Columbia. In some ways I love it because I am moving quickly and learning. But other times I wonder if I am like Emily from Our Town and don't realize what happens every minute around me, that I don't really appreciate everything. But maybe we cannot sit and appreciate everything every minute because we don't have the insight yet and it would drive us crazy.
It's also quite amazing to think about all of the changes that have happened for me. I think about my future constantly and I constantly want stability but it always changes. One minute I think I'm going to take a year off and go to England for a year and the next I'm planning to graduate a year early and attempt to go into the acting world. I've learned that I really need to trust myself. There is such a security in going to school for me. Going to school in my mind guarantees my improvement as an actor. Truthfully there are times when I need to just trust that what I know now will save me. I have to be willing to just push myself and get out there.
Why am I talking about this now? I know I have a long time to think about my future, but Stella Adler ends in a year. I am hoping to be prepared to start to work. But I don't believe that I will be prepared and even though I think, "Oh I'll do some work here and there for a year," I think that going abroad for another few years will not only make me a better actor but will fulfill some superficial void. Honestly, whether or not this is true is indeterminable. I may learn just as much or more from trying to work after these few years. I need to trust myself and trust that in the unknown I may find a known... or at least I have to come to peace with the unknown.
You see, in my mind I believe I can do this because I have the confidence and the drive, but in my heart I am insecure and have to just trust myself and ultimately believe that I can do what I have been training my entire life to do - act.
It's pretty ironic... I want stability in a field that has none and all. And yet, I love that instability and that adventure but I just don't have the chutzpah to go out there and just try it and perhaps fail.
