A Return

After three months I have returned back to the United States. I'll be back in London in two weeks, have no fear, but being back is both surreal and soothing. I think for anyone who lives abroad for an extended period of time coming "home" is surreal... accompanied with fears about what you left, what you have to go back to, and the familiar, "home" is almost harder to deal with emotionally because it accompanies a whole range of pain, love, fear, and hate. But on some odd level... it's soothing. It's soothing to come back to familiar faces who have known me since I was a baby, to a familiar house. It's also surreal - I love London and can't wait to go back because I have friends and a sort-of-life there too. But right now, amidst all of the angst and love, I'm happy and excited to be back... even if it is for a short while.

I'm learning that...

At Adler, one of the first lessons we learned was "what are you learning?". It's an exercise that helps keep the actor, and more importantly, the human being in check with their own state of being. Every week the teacher would ask us "what are you learning?". I have continued this mantra to help me put perspective on where I am right now and where I'd like to go.

So... what am I learning? I'm learning that:

Problems and personal issues exist and persist regardless of distance and place.

Theatre is truly where my passion and soul is: the happiness, sadness, love, and pain all together.

Revealing my soul to an audience is such a cathartic joy and release for me, unlike anything I have in real life.

With every positive experience comes a negative experience and without the negative experiences I wouldn't be able to appreciate the positive experiences.

Identifying my anxieties and fears about life and acting is much more constructive than trying to forget they exist.

Living life in the present, though frightening, is much more rewarding than trying to live life in the future or past.

Humility, humility, humility, and acceptance.

Everything's a process. Nothing is fixed overnight, or over a year... things take a while, and I have to trust that - time time time.

Two Midnights Gone!

Into the Woods has been such a wonderful experience for me in many ways. Like with many shows, I will be devastated when it is over. And with each show I learn something and I find something new to mope over for a few days. Today, however, was wonderful because of something that has been drilled within me for two years that finally came to fruition.

Firstly, I had the opportunity to work with some teenagers from a state school (mainly underprivileged, not all) in a workshop with some of the Into the Woods team. I found it unbelievably rewarding to pass on what I learned to other students AND I truly love how theatre really can be a way for students to express themselves and more importantly find themselves. Yes, there were people who didn't speak English or who were shy, but mostly, I find it so encouraging and pleasing to see children step out and be bold and find something out of the work. It makes me want to work in theatre education more and more.

Secondly, today I felt that I relaxed a bit into my performance. YES, I missed things musically... Sondheim is QUITE hard. But I wasn't so caught up in my head. I achieved the dual consciousness that I love - the both being aware of reality (that I'm on stage, in a show and this isn't real) and the being engrossed in a character. One thing I learned at Adler, which is still hard to fully achieve, is TRUSTING that the character work I've done will show on stage. I learned last year that is impossible to think about my character's past, history, or background character when I'm on stage because it takes me out of the MOMENT and I'm somewhere else. Today I found myself so emotionally involved, new things happened... and at one point, my emotions took me by surprise.

Into the Woods is wonderful because it is both hilarious and extremely dark. In the second act Cinderella's Prince cheats on her multiple times. I have a scene with the Prince where I confront him. Today, without any warning, I became extremely emotional to the point of tears during our extremely short scene. I had to hold myself back. This was not an overworking of trying to cry... it just came. I realized in that moment, that I didn't need to THINK about how the Prince had affected me or the past story I had developed for Cinderella - what I had spent HOURS on came to life in that moment. I was just open and felt safe enough to let it happen. I was angry with the Prince, but today I was also extremely hurt. And with that came the tears and the pain.

It is those moments... those moments when in the theatre my emotions take me by surprise that I realize why I love the theatre so much. When I'm truly someone else my body knows more than my mind and allows something beautiful and really truthful to happen.

I'm so fortunate to be in this production and am going to be so upset when it is over tomorrow. The Sunday Times came today... and they loved it! While they had criticisms they were quite impressed. Theatre is truly a wonderful place. Yes, it's ephemeral - but that's what makes it wonderful - it's a medium where what happens in the moment cannot be repeated. And tomorrow - who knows if I will be overcome with emotion... I may not. But that's what I have to accept, each day is different.

A Jew in England - NY Times

This is a very interesting op-ed in the NY Times about Jews in England:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/01/opinion/01iht-edcohen.html?em

I suggest you read it!