Acting as a message

So I'm finally understanding the whole idea of feeling like a total failure one day in acting school and the next feeling really confident. I performed my scene yesterday and it was great. Of course there are things to work on, but it was just being at the point in the process where I could be pushed by the teacher and I could recognize the specificity that is needed. I also realized how it's easier for me to lose myself and just go and be adventurous in a scene than in real life.

But what I really want to talk about is acting and its purpose. I understand how acting can be seen as a very selfish business. This culture really exacerbates that problem through Hollywood and where, in my opinion, Broadway is going to some extent. It's about money and product. I've struggled with this idea and struggled that I want to go into a business that is very self-absorbed at times. But what I've realized is that acting, though personal and focused on one's self, is ultimately NOT about me. I've always known this, but never really felt it and struggled because I never felt that.

When doing my scene yesterday I played a cop. I was a cop who wanted to be seen as a cop and not a woman. But ultimately, the show reveals how no one actually sees her as a cop and just sees her as a woman and a sex object. It's infuriating to her (as it should be) and ironically, everything she's fighting against to be a "cop" (emotion) eventually crucifies her. This is not the main moral story of the play. But it's a part of a bigger issue that the play is proposing - morality, loyalty, and what is right. Yes, I was embodying this character and feeling her pain and trying to reestablish herself as a cop but it's ultimately not about me. Through this real life situation a bigger message is played.

That is why I love acting. By becoming someone else and embodying their problems an audience hopefully sees the issues the play proposes. Acting is taking issues that surround our lives, embodying people who have these issues, and through performance makes those issues known to the public. That's how it changes people - they see real live scenarios. They see people like them. Acting is about changing people through connecting them through art and life. They're not being talked at about issues - they see it happen in front of them. That's what's so powerful about it! As the actor I have to know the bigger issues of the play, but the character may not. And more often than not, the character's personal struggles are the problems the playwright wants an audience to see. That's where the personal me comes in. You have to have both. You have to be willing to look at yourself and transform yourself and be believable for others to believe. I just think that too many people perhaps forget about the greater picture. Yes - I have to focus on my craft because if I don't no one will get the issue at hand.

Honestly, I find it empowering. We can read about issues in a newspaper or book. But rarely can we see these issues creep up on us by watching real life. By watching real people and their problems. That's what theatre is.

Catharsis

Yes, my life is crazy. Yes, I don't feel like a normal college student. And YES, New York theatre is amazing.

I just saw a great off-Broadway musical called Next to Normal. I cried a lot during the show and was not the only one. Great performances, great music, and great, albeit ponderous, message. It's shows like Next to Normal that inspire me to be an actor... to tell stories through music and expression that really move people.

Sometimes I wonder if I just think too much... and maybe that I need to separate my analytical mind that exists everyday from my actor's mind. I think it inhibits me. I think I start to see the characters I play from the third person to the point where I analyze them like I analyze Milton. I know its needed... but I think it might be excessive to the point where I can't allow myself to fully engage and let go as an actor.

Well, I guess that's what training is for.

And sometimes it really sucks to feel lonely and not a part of social normalcy, especially when I've accepted that that is who I am.

Annoying dorm life.

So this early morning, right when I was just about to fall asleep and my restless mind was settling down, I was awoken by the blaring fire alarm and flashing light in my room. It was 1:34 in the morning. I shook my roommate awake, grabbed my jacket and my keys, and went downstairs. At one point, it felt like I was walking into a scene of the Titanic. The bottom few floors were flooding. It turns out that on the fifth floor television lounge a heater and some hot water pipes burst. It was so bad that as I was walking outside, water was gushing from the second floor through the brick ceiling as if it was raining.

I'm not going to lie, I felt accomplished in getting out of the building really quickly and getting my roommate up. But we didn't get back until 3:00 in the morning and I have class this morning.

So in an effort to catch up on sleep I decided to forgo my Spanish class this morning and sleep. Until at 8:30 this morning the alarm went off again and my routine resumed.

I am now thoroughly exhausted and frustrated.

There Will Be Blood

There Will Be Blood is a brilliantly acted and written film. Daniel Day-Lewis and Paul Dano give remarkable performances. Go see it. It's one of the most talked about films and now I know why. Great film making and great acting. Daniel Day-Lewis is one of those frightening good actors who truly transforms and immerses himself into his characters. Paul Dano gives a "break-out" performance as many reviewers have said. I only hope to have his talent at such a young age!

My, my time has gone by!

I cannot believe that it is February already. Amidst acting classes at Stella Adler and classes at Barnard and Columbia I've been very busy. Sometimes I feel like I am just riding through life and I don't necessarily realize that I am living it. But other times I have these moments of pure appreciation for the life that I am living. It is really abnormal (what is normal?) but it suits me. Yes, it is terribly exhausting but it is worth every minute of it.

The Stella Adler Studio truly is a wonderful place. I find that every time I walk into the studio I am surrounded by dedicated students in a safe environment. I know that as an actor I will never finish learning, but there is something very satisfying and inspiring about just learning. I enjoy learning and know that I need it to help me get work as an actor and grow as a person, but for so long I was focused on product. Now I understand that eventually I will be focusing on results and the business, but in order for me to get a good product I have to focus on the art and the craft of acting. Because if I'm too focused on a result, I will lose the integrity of the work I love. Acting is a business. That is a reality. But I am also an artist, and in order for me to navigate the business and not get discouraged, I need to find my passion and love of the craft of acting. If I don't know how to perform well with integrity and truth that is beyond banality acting and the business will become vapid and uninspiring. I need the foundation before the real world. I've always understood that, but I am embodying it.

I don't want to just be a "good" actor. I want to be an actor, as Stella Adler would say, that has size.

Learning is such a wonderful thing. I find that whether I am at Stella Adler or just in my classes I thoroughly enjoy being a student. I love discovering and analyzing the unknown. I have been reading so much and I love it. I have switched from listening to music on the subway to reading and it is wonderful. There is so much to be learned through books and I am just amazed by how much I can learn.

I know I am lucky, but lets just say that these two worlds are very difficult. Living in two different worlds is complicated. I've never really felt like I've fit into a mold of someone my age but now I feel it even more. I've accepted it, even embraced it, but that's not to say that it isn't still a challenge to live in two very different mindsets and environments.

But this is a journey, and as tiring as it is, I feel that I am absorbing everything, good and bad. And that will shape me into a better actor and person.