A Return

After three months I have returned back to the United States. I'll be back in London in two weeks, have no fear, but being back is both surreal and soothing. I think for anyone who lives abroad for an extended period of time coming "home" is surreal... accompanied with fears about what you left, what you have to go back to, and the familiar, "home" is almost harder to deal with emotionally because it accompanies a whole range of pain, love, fear, and hate. But on some odd level... it's soothing. It's soothing to come back to familiar faces who have known me since I was a baby, to a familiar house. It's also surreal - I love London and can't wait to go back because I have friends and a sort-of-life there too. But right now, amidst all of the angst and love, I'm happy and excited to be back... even if it is for a short while.

I'm learning that...

At Adler, one of the first lessons we learned was "what are you learning?". It's an exercise that helps keep the actor, and more importantly, the human being in check with their own state of being. Every week the teacher would ask us "what are you learning?". I have continued this mantra to help me put perspective on where I am right now and where I'd like to go.

So... what am I learning? I'm learning that:

Problems and personal issues exist and persist regardless of distance and place.

Theatre is truly where my passion and soul is: the happiness, sadness, love, and pain all together.

Revealing my soul to an audience is such a cathartic joy and release for me, unlike anything I have in real life.

With every positive experience comes a negative experience and without the negative experiences I wouldn't be able to appreciate the positive experiences.

Identifying my anxieties and fears about life and acting is much more constructive than trying to forget they exist.

Living life in the present, though frightening, is much more rewarding than trying to live life in the future or past.

Humility, humility, humility, and acceptance.

Everything's a process. Nothing is fixed overnight, or over a year... things take a while, and I have to trust that - time time time.

Two Midnights Gone!

Into the Woods has been such a wonderful experience for me in many ways. Like with many shows, I will be devastated when it is over. And with each show I learn something and I find something new to mope over for a few days. Today, however, was wonderful because of something that has been drilled within me for two years that finally came to fruition.

Firstly, I had the opportunity to work with some teenagers from a state school (mainly underprivileged, not all) in a workshop with some of the Into the Woods team. I found it unbelievably rewarding to pass on what I learned to other students AND I truly love how theatre really can be a way for students to express themselves and more importantly find themselves. Yes, there were people who didn't speak English or who were shy, but mostly, I find it so encouraging and pleasing to see children step out and be bold and find something out of the work. It makes me want to work in theatre education more and more.

Secondly, today I felt that I relaxed a bit into my performance. YES, I missed things musically... Sondheim is QUITE hard. But I wasn't so caught up in my head. I achieved the dual consciousness that I love - the both being aware of reality (that I'm on stage, in a show and this isn't real) and the being engrossed in a character. One thing I learned at Adler, which is still hard to fully achieve, is TRUSTING that the character work I've done will show on stage. I learned last year that is impossible to think about my character's past, history, or background character when I'm on stage because it takes me out of the MOMENT and I'm somewhere else. Today I found myself so emotionally involved, new things happened... and at one point, my emotions took me by surprise.

Into the Woods is wonderful because it is both hilarious and extremely dark. In the second act Cinderella's Prince cheats on her multiple times. I have a scene with the Prince where I confront him. Today, without any warning, I became extremely emotional to the point of tears during our extremely short scene. I had to hold myself back. This was not an overworking of trying to cry... it just came. I realized in that moment, that I didn't need to THINK about how the Prince had affected me or the past story I had developed for Cinderella - what I had spent HOURS on came to life in that moment. I was just open and felt safe enough to let it happen. I was angry with the Prince, but today I was also extremely hurt. And with that came the tears and the pain.

It is those moments... those moments when in the theatre my emotions take me by surprise that I realize why I love the theatre so much. When I'm truly someone else my body knows more than my mind and allows something beautiful and really truthful to happen.

I'm so fortunate to be in this production and am going to be so upset when it is over tomorrow. The Sunday Times came today... and they loved it! While they had criticisms they were quite impressed. Theatre is truly a wonderful place. Yes, it's ephemeral - but that's what makes it wonderful - it's a medium where what happens in the moment cannot be repeated. And tomorrow - who knows if I will be overcome with emotion... I may not. But that's what I have to accept, each day is different.

A Jew in England - NY Times

This is a very interesting op-ed in the NY Times about Jews in England:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/01/opinion/01iht-edcohen.html?em

I suggest you read it!

One Week Away....

I had a lovely time with my aunt and uncle visiting in London along with a short trip to Barcelona. Family is truly grounding. We also saw a WONDERFUL show called War Horse. The puppetry was so realistic but more importantly, it's amazing how this puppet evokes so much emotion. I found it to be a wonderful spectacle but also extremely moving. The love of a boy for his horse and the issue of World War I collide to tell a powerful story about loyalty, love, and the destruction of war. I was very moved - The National Theatre does wonderful shows.

Into the Woods opens in a week's time. I am very excited but also very nervous. It's very interesting having finished Adler. I remember starting Adler so worried that I wouldn't remember anything I learned there. In many ways, I haven't remember SPECIFIC things teacher's said. I haven't even looked at the journal I kept with notes (I stopped taking notes by the last term). But a movement teacher said to me in my last year: It's in your bones. And I think it's true. Adler taught me discipline and awareness. I know that I have to do character work before I can truly delve into a character. I also know that I have to neutralize my body in order to perform or fully engage in a rehearsal. It's calming, almost a relief. My nerves have already started... but knowing that I have certain techniques to not only center myself, but to also hook myself into my character is very comforting.

As an actor, I am very self conscious. I am not very confident in my work, but I love and strive for the truth of the work. There is never a "right" performance or a "perfect" performance. But I know that if I do not prepare myself in a certain way I am inhibiting my work. As much as I am not in drama school anymore having teachers tell me - WHAT ARE YOUR ACTIONS? WHAT WAS THAT? I still have their voices in my head... When I lie on the floor and do my voice and speech warm up I remember... FOCUS. RELAX.

It's amazing how much the body and mind remember.

I'm now at a point with Cinderella where I can explore a bit more... I can begin to let go of the cerebral work I've done - and even the preconceived notions I had of her. What I love about theatre and acting in general is the spontaneity. Yes, I have to worry about coming in on time and if my notes are ok at times... but really? I have learned over the past two years from both Adler and from my voice teacher - If I've done my homework and warmed up fully - the work is already done. It's already there. I don't need to try and put something on - the body remembers. It's just focus... meditation.

And really... I haven't found that type of concentration, love for escape/dual reality of both being myself and another person in anything but the theatre. Maybe people find fulfillment elsewhere... but theatre allows me to use my head to create and my body to let go of my head. I do get discouraged a lot but it's the love of the show that reminds that ultimately - I love this.

Our Class at the National

I haven't been blogging much because there hasn't been much to relate until now. I have blogged recently about how wonderful the National Theatre is in terms of production values and important theatrical work it puts up. Today I saw Our Class in their black box theatre. It was one of the most powerful shows I have ever seen. Now, I'm only twenty, but this show reminded me of why I want to be an actor and moreover why theatre is so important to human society.

Our Class takes place in the 1930s in Poland and documents a group of classmates, both Polish and Jewish, through WWII through to the present day. The show was presented in the round and used no set except chairs that surrounded the stage. For those who saw Cleveland Public Theatre's Our Town the set up was very similar. Each individual character's story was presented mostly through monologues, as if they were recalling their experiences and while you may think it was distracting from the reality of the show it wasn't at all. I found the three hour production to be absolutely mesmerizing.

Our Class begins with each "child" (all of the characters played by adults) stating what they want to be when they grow up - a soldier, a teacher, a movie star, etc. Quickly the story shifts to the Red Army invading Poland. The divide between the Poles and the Jews becomes quite evident with Poles blaming the Jews for supporting the Red Army. The unified class of innocent children was immediately beginning to fracture.

Most of the first act described a pogrom that happened in this small town before the invasion of the Nazis. A Jewish classmate was framed for "selling out" his classmates who were arresting for organizing an underground Polish Resistance Army. He was killed by his classmates and by the real informant to the Red Army (a classmate as well). Another Jewish classmate, who was married to her Jewish classmate, was raped by these same classmates before being taken to the public square with other Jews from the town. She was told, as were all the Jews in the square, that they would be sent to the ghetto tomorrow but had to stay in a tiny barn overnight. Like many Jews in towns during that time, they were stuffed into a barn that was set on fire.

Two classmates were hid by other Polish classmates. One, a girl, was immediately converted to Catholicism and married to her classmate after finding out she was the only one left of her family.

I have given away most of the plot, but not entirely. The play is not really about the horrors of the WWII. While it does not spare any details about rape and how Jews were slaughtered and then thrown into pits, this play is so tragic because we see how a class of peers was torn a part from each other. But what's most depressing is we see how these early actions effect these characters for their entire lives. When at times the we begin to think that maybe there is hope after these tragedies, the realities of what these teenagers experienced stays with them forever. We don't necessarily see remorse from the murderers in the first act. I think it would be too sentimental if we did. What we see is a convoluted web of feelings of betrayal, loyalty, and history.

What I love about this play is it doesn't blame one "side" or the other, in fact, there are no "sides" and nothing is ever black or white. It also depressingly shows how one night effects a group of once happy peers for their entire life. One classmate becomes a priest but on his death bed is haunted by the classmate he killed and the other he raped. One, a woman who hid her Jewish classmate goes to America to only be confused by being praised for saving Jews, hated for saving Jews, and lost for not knowing what to think or feel.

I was in an emotional state for most of this show. With each ending of each character's life I saw how there is no resolution to the problem, no redemption for confessing to the truth, for saving a Jew, and for trying to persecute those who murdered their classmates.

The only hope found in this play was through the one classmate who left Poland in 1937 for America. Through his story we find hope for the future amidst the confusion of seeing his classmates turn against each other, deceive him, and see his guilt for surviving. There are two defining moments in his speeches - one where he finds out through a letter that all the Jews of his town were burned in a barn. He recites the names of all the family he lost - concluding that he is the only one left. He then ends the play by reciting all of his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

I haven't yet fully come to understand this play besides that it is unbelievably powerful. But what sticks with me is not just the horror of each account described but how each character cannot escape what they experienced and how through the decades they live with this pain, confusion, guilt, and betrayal. It's a wonderful metaphor - a class divided by a war. It shows how war can so easily tear the ties of human connection and so quickly and effectively torture the humanity within people. In fact, war dividing the class is the only true distinct division within the play. It's the only real "truth" that can be deduced from the play - everything else - loyalties, guilt, feelings are all ambiguous and constantly changing. What remains is a huge sense of loss because nothing is ever "fixed" no matter how hard people try or don't try to repent, make amends, or seek revenge. The "truth" and the actions cannot be remedied.

I would see this show again and again. But I would bring tissues next time.

Our Class at the National Theatre

Into the Woods without delay but careful not to lose the way!

I have been sort of MIA... mostly because I haven't had much to comment on and because I have been occupied with essays, readings, and INTO THE WOODS!

Below you will find the main publicity photo for UCL's Musical Theatre Society's production in the Bloomsbury:



Although pretty much all of you who read this won't be able to come, I thought it would be fitting to still post the website for tickets.

Also, here's another link to the full album of publicity photos I took from my not so great camera. It was loads of fun... and so many children stared in awe!