English "isms" I like/would like to acquire

"I can't be bothered" (MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE)
"bin" (trash)
"queue" (The English are OBSESSED with queuing - I tried to hail a cab when there was a queue for cabs... bad)
"well done"
"chuffed" (happy)
"toilet"
"loo"
"straight on"
"bill" (not check)
"trousers" (pants mean underwear)
"knickers"
"ground floor different from the first floor" - the GROUND floor is what Americans would call the FIRST floor so the FIRST floor is actually one flight up. This... I do not understand because it results in me having to walk up another flight of stairs.
"pop in/by/across the road"
"gutted" (upset, disappointed)
"mobile" not cell phone
"phone you" (call you)
"ring" (call)

There are many more that I will post when they emerge from my memory and as I come across them in daily life. This is just the beginning.

Perpetually Vacillating

In the past few months I have both felt like I do not know myself anymore and that I have learned so much about who I am. It's contradictory, I know. I have always felt conflicted about acting - whether I should pursue it or whether I should be more... academic. But I always vehemently pursued acting no matter where or what I was doing. There came a point within this past year where I felt like my body kept on moving forward and my self stopped a few feet behind. I began to question why I still act and what it means to me. I don't know. And it is very scary. In fact, for the first time I feel stuck. I doubt the one thing in my entire life that I was so sure about. Sometimes I wonder if this is just growth, if this dilemma actually means that I know more about myself than I ever have before. But really, I have no idea.

In many ways I feel like I don't know what I'm doing here in London and yet I have to be here - that I can't be in any other place but here at this exact moment in my life.

I used to trust that bad situations and bad relationships would without fail end up in disaster. I also used to trust that what I believed was so concrete within me and within my deepest relationships would always remain so. I believed that because nothing had faltered in the past that what was "sure" was invincible. In the past year, and more particularly in the past few weeks and days, my confidence and trust has proved to be faulty. I do believe that this is ultimately a good and positive thing.

Without pain and challenges we are not forced to reevaluate who we are at our core. And without that self-reflection we cannot grow. And no growth in life is ultimately pitiful.

That said, I am an extremely stubborn person. I am also emotionally exhausted. But life does not stop because I'm tired. So I begrudgingly take another challenge to become more at peace with myself. Here we go.

An English Rosh Hashanah

Coming to live in a different country is extremely daunting. In many ways, I feel very linked to New York and leaving was difficult because of that connection. Coming to London only deepens my sense of identity. However, this keen sense of self also allows me to look at other societies and people from the eye of an outsider.

This Rosh Hashanah I had the fortunate pleasure to spend the holiday with my friend Josh and his family in Edgware, a suburb of London. Being welcomed into their home was exactly what I needed when in a foreign city. The English are a very civilized (civilised) and reserved people. But once they get to know you it is like being welcomed into a warm and inviting club. I loved getting to meet Josh's family and friends while celebrating and getting an English experience of a Jewish holiday.

When I was in high school, I had a dance teacher who told me that the wonderful thing about dancing ballet is that it is the same in every country around the world. This is true with Jewish practice. While various customs vary, all in all, prayers are prayers past down for thousands of year. Josh's synagogue in Edgware (the Edgware & District Reform Synagogue) is the largest in Europe. Walking to services on Saturday was a massive exodus of Jews to this synagogue. The service (minus a blessing over the Royal Family) was entirely the same to what I've grown up including the melodies. I found this too to be reassuring.

The high holidays for me are about tradition and remembering the Jewish people and their history. Spending Rosh Hashanah in London with Josh's family and at Josh's synagogue was a reminder that despite different passports and ways of speaking - there is a continuity, a sense of common history among Jews.

That strong and solid foundation is very deep and powerful.

"moving"

For anyone who follows this.... which I doubt are many - I will be off to London for a year.

It would be redundant and kind of useless to post about London on my New York blog. SO I encourage you to look at my OTHER blog (because how self indulgent can one get?) about studying and exploring London:

http://laurenaliyainlondon.blogspot.com/

The Last Supper

Alas, it is the night before I jet-set across the Atlantic to the land of scones, queens, and really posh accents. Am I nervous? Yes. Am I going to miss people? A lot. But this is a very good thing for me and it is a new adventure. I find that the day before any major event evokes feelings of anxiety - whether or not they feel justified. I begin to over analyze every minute detail and meaning of each emotion and wonder if my feelings are excessive. I've accepted that these feelings are normal, even if they really AREN'T that big of a deal and even though I KNOW that once I'm across the pond everything will seem... well... exciting. Right now it's the anticipation. The anticipation for WEEKS.

This extended trip (for a year) is a lesson in many things. The first, I believe, is an ultimate LIFE lesson: sometimes things are out of our control and all we have to do is wait and see what happens.

Let me explain.

Getting a visa to enter/study/work in a foreign country is a lengthy and ultimately volatile process. Once your documents are submitted you hope that you have given enough information and that the horror stories you hear from your peers (like getting rejected for a visa and missing the beginning of your program) will not apply to you.

A week before I was set to leave I had NO IDEA when or IF I was getting my visa. There was no one who could tell me. So - I had to wait. And once I DID get the visa - it was sent to the wrong address! Once again - things are out of my control.

Maybe that should be my optimistic mantra for the year:

Things are out of my control and I just have to live in the moment.

It's much easier said than done.

How's that for a pre-departure blog posting to assuage the pre-departure histrionics?