Perpetually Vacillating

In the past few months I have both felt like I do not know myself anymore and that I have learned so much about who I am. It's contradictory, I know. I have always felt conflicted about acting - whether I should pursue it or whether I should be more... academic. But I always vehemently pursued acting no matter where or what I was doing. There came a point within this past year where I felt like my body kept on moving forward and my self stopped a few feet behind. I began to question why I still act and what it means to me. I don't know. And it is very scary. In fact, for the first time I feel stuck. I doubt the one thing in my entire life that I was so sure about. Sometimes I wonder if this is just growth, if this dilemma actually means that I know more about myself than I ever have before. But really, I have no idea.

In many ways I feel like I don't know what I'm doing here in London and yet I have to be here - that I can't be in any other place but here at this exact moment in my life.

I used to trust that bad situations and bad relationships would without fail end up in disaster. I also used to trust that what I believed was so concrete within me and within my deepest relationships would always remain so. I believed that because nothing had faltered in the past that what was "sure" was invincible. In the past year, and more particularly in the past few weeks and days, my confidence and trust has proved to be faulty. I do believe that this is ultimately a good and positive thing.

Without pain and challenges we are not forced to reevaluate who we are at our core. And without that self-reflection we cannot grow. And no growth in life is ultimately pitiful.

That said, I am an extremely stubborn person. I am also emotionally exhausted. But life does not stop because I'm tired. So I begrudgingly take another challenge to become more at peace with myself. Here we go.