Transitions are that liminal space where we are neither in one place or the other. It's like if someone takes a photograph of you running - that picture represents the transition: in the process of leaving somewhere and going to something.
I have had many transitions in my (short) life. But this transition, moving from London back to New York, is perhaps my most conflicted. I am also perhaps most aware of this transition because it is so physical. I am literally leaving one country for another.
But why this transition? Surely I did it before...
Yes, I have done it before. But this transition is so full of conflicted feelings. Why? What I am leaving (London) has been the culmination of a year in which I both lived a 'dream' and allowed myself to 'live' (socially, academically, theatrically) in the moment and achieve a contentment I had been yearning for YEARS (dare I say, my adolescence?). But what I am going back to is family, friends, love, and a city that is so full of dreams and drive that propel me forward. New York inspires me unlike any other city I've been too.
It's like that Alicia Keys song: Empire State of Mind (and Billy Joel's 'New York State of Mind' but Alicia Keys' version embodies the inspiration of New York that I feel. It reminds me of why I love New York so much).
So with these conflicting feelings (and they go much deeper than described above), I am attempting to embrace the transition. It's hard leaving a place that I've identified with and grown from - especially the friendships. Like many, I feel a bit lost, in a liminal place, and not really sure of my footing. Even writing this blog feels a bit... unsure. There's a part of me that feels like I am returning to what I know but refreshed while I also know that certain things I've gained here in London will stick and some will fall away.
I am nervous about going back, sad to leave, but I also feel that it is time. I wouldn't trade what I've gotten here in London and I will miss the friends I've made and the experience I've gained. But life moves on, it is moving along with everyone. And New York is the next step.
It's just that the transition is the place of the unknown. The unknowable. And it's frightening but also so full of suspense. And by suspense, I mean the oppositional emotions of excitement and fear.
I'm going to miss this place. But I don't know how I will truly feel until I leave.
That's what the transition is... truly being in the moment and just getting grips and going along for the ride. Sometimes being in the moment is exhilarating and sometimes it's like now: so complicated and confusing that there is a loss of a sense of self. Because the Self, the person, is transitioning not just physically, but emotionally as well. Ironically, it's also in this moment, the uncertain, to just trust the Self that it will figure things out because despite the feeling of uncertainty, the Self knows what it is, it's just transitioning and shifting right now.
As the Brits say: Sort it out.
As Dot says to George in Sondheim's Sunday in the Park with George (my favorite Sondheim musical) in the song 'Move On':
Sung by Bernadette Peters:Stop worrying where you're going, move on
If you can know where you're going, you've gone
Just keep moving on.I chose, and my world was shaken--so what?Look at what you want,
The choice may have been mistaken
but choosing was not.
You have to move on.
Not at where you are,
Not at what you'll be.
Look at all the things you've done for me:
Opened up my eyes
Taught me how to see...
And by the 2008 Broadway Revival/Menier Chocolate Factory Production (that I saw 3 times... obsessed much?):
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